


Utterances From a Man In a Bowtie

by wholockedpsycho7



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Contest Entry, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2018-01-19 13:54:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1472263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wholockedpsycho7/pseuds/wholockedpsycho7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the contest to explain the law in Groton, Conneticut that says: "Any utterances from a man in a bow tie are not to be credited."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Utterances From a Man In a Bowtie

_Groton, Connecticut. 1703._

 "No, no, no!" The Doctor told the mayor. "I'm telling you, your secretary is an alien! Just dump vinegar on him, I'll prove it!" 

Mr.Galbraith rolled his eyes. "Sir, I don't think you understand. Peter here is perfectly normal, and he's not a Sleceen." 

"Slitheen!" He insisted, pulling at the rope tying his hands together. "And besides, why can't he just put his hand in a bowl of vineger to prove it? You've got nothing to hide, right?" He said, directing the last sentence at the chubby man standing beside him. 

"No, I don't, but I don't want to smell like vinegar." Peter said, annoyed. 

"Please, Mr. Smith!" Mr. Galbraith said. 

"What does Raxicoracalfallipitorius mean to you?" He continued to prod at the secretary. 

"It's a long word?" 

"No, it's the name of your home planet! I'm telling you, Edward, that man is an alien, and he's probably here to reduce the planet to radioactive ash! I've dealt with his family before!" 

"I'd prefer if you wouldn't call me by my first name, sir." 

"I'm telling you-" 

"-Hey! Officer! Come tie this man up and throw him behind the bars!" The mayor called, yelling to a man outside the room. 

The officer came in and grabbed the Doctor by his arm, hauling him to the door. "No! Just listen! Look, see if he has a zipper underneath his hairline!" His voice receded as the door closed. 

They stayed silent for a moment.

"Almost caught us." The secretary said, smiling. 

"Ah, almost. I'm signing a law in so that no one will pay attention to fools like him again. Now," the mayor picked up a quill and dipped it into the ink, then made long, swooping motions to write it. 

"How's this- 'any utterances from a man in a bow-tie are not to be credited'?" 

"It sounds fine, sir." 

"Good." The mayor smiled. "Now, make sure he doesn't get out, and make sure no one knows about the nucleur reactor underneath that barn. These primitives won't know what they see, and will probably end up destroying it." 

"Yes, sir." Peter walked out the door. 

A second later, he walked back in. 

"Peter? What is it?" 

That's when he saw a curly haired blond woman with her gun pointed to the back of his head. 

"River Song, I'm sure you've heard of me." She said casually, poking her gun further into his secretary's side. 

The mayor gulped. "Yes." 

"Then you know that if you try to run, I can shoot both you and your friend here. I like this planet, and I don't want it blown up. So, here's the deal." She said calmly, "you sign that law into existence, because I have to say, one day I got him drunk and dropped him off here, and then I can bring you to the Shadow Proclamation and have you put on trial. Now, write."

Edward Slitheen scowled, but nonetheless bent over and finished writing the law up. "Thank you. Now, like I said. Come with me." 

\-----------------

_Groton, Conneticut. 1876._

"She's sooo sexy!" The Doctor drawled, putting an arm on the counter. "She really is. Got some nice fibulators, and that Helmic Regulator..." he laughed, "the sexiest thing you'll ever see. I stole her, you know. Took her right outta that museum. Susan, too. That was funny. Then we went flying around the universe!" He turned and stretched his arms out, spinning around and running. 

"Who is that man?" One of the women whispered to her husband. "I don't know, Claire. Let's just go home." He took his wife's arm and led her away, sparing a glance toward the insane man still running around.

"Then, then you know what I did? I picked up a bunch of girls. Yeah," he nodded, "I did. River gets jealous, you know. But I didn't like 'em. They were my friends, but, ya know, and then," he giggled, hopping up and down, "then I did a bunch of stuff. We saved the universe a lot. This puny little planet could'a gotten squashed! Like a bug. Like one of those.... whatcha call it... a Kilken bug! Nasty things!" He slurred. "Yeah, bout got squashed. But we saved it! You humans were too puny. With your tiny little thick brains! Thick-thick-thickity." He laughed. "That's fun to say. Thick-thick-thick-thickity-thickity-thick. Stupid thick humans, you lot. Can be useful. Sometimes you're smart.

"Most of the time you're just sorta like, 'oh, there was a spaceship? Man, I was drunk.' " He mimicked a squeaky girl's voice. "Really, it's right in front of you. Anyway, what was I talking about? Saved the universe, right. Did that a bunch of times, then I went and met some more people after those other people, and again and again and again and again! Yeah! Then I got married, and since then I've been running some more! It's so fun, the running. I could do it all day. Run and run and run and run and-" The Doctor stumbled, and caught himself on the wagon. "You know, I think I'm going to take a nap now." With that, he laid down on the ground and passed out. 

The small group of spectators giggled around him, and the mayor of the town busted out laughing. "You know, that law does make sense now." 

Behind a wheel of the large wagon, River stopped recording on her communicator and smiled. 


End file.
